


back to the hedgerows

by IapisIazuIi



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fix-It of Sorts, Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:21:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27636088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IapisIazuIi/pseuds/IapisIazuIi
Summary: Dean Winchester is saved, but at what cost?or: me, having to put all my emotions somewhere before I go insane
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 20





	back to the hedgerows

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, how's everyone doing a few hours before episode 20? I personally am going a bit crazy here. This is also the first fic in a long time that I published, the first in general on this website and I gotta say: Last month I did not see myself doing that ever. Or just engaging with spn again, generally.  
> But here we are! I am invested and I cannot do anything about it! 
> 
> This is extremely self indulgent and so fucking cheesy and I stopped watching spn years ago (technically) so I apologise for any weird discrepancies. And while we're on that topic: English is not my first language so sorry for any mistakes in that department as well.
> 
> This was also written almost a week ago while I was having an exceptionally bad case of whatever that weird tumblr group energy thing was during the last weeks so yeah
> 
> Enjoy, I guess :D

Dean Winchester is saved.  
That’s what it was all about, wasn’t it? For Cas at least, that selfless, martyring – but that’s not the point. The point is that Dean should be saved, now, Billie is history and he should be relieved even, maybe, at least a bit. 

  
He's not. Far from it, actually. It's – well it’s not everyday that your only friend for several years confesses his love to you, seconds before he is taken from this earth. Taken because he said that. And how fucked up is that? And Dean couldn’t even – he didn't – why didn’t he say something? Do something? _Anything_? 

  
And who said it was okay for Cas to sacrifice himself for Dean, again, and load that on him in the literal last moment possible? Well, it’s simply not fair, because Cas knows that he needs time to process and verbalize his emotions, dammit and – Cas _knows_. Knew. Him, that is. And now he’s gone, _again_ , but now it feels decidedly more permanent than the last few times that he lost him. (This should not be a sentence that made sense, Dean knows that somewhere, but well, after a few years and a few deaths you get used to unrealistic tragedy being your reality.) 

  
Still, the _point_ is that Cas is gone and Dean is misreable and frankly, he does not really care to be saved if it looks like this.

  
_I could have gone with him_. Something, somewhere in his mind whispers. It’s that part of his brain that cares more about his wishes than his responsibilities. He tries to drown it out, ususally. Logically he knows that it probably wouldn’t have changed anything if he had done that. What good could it bring them, both of them dead? (Would he have even been able to? The empy is not exactly a place for humans, after all.) But still – maybe it would have been worth it, to give the ultimate sacrifice at his side. He didn’t.  
Why didn’t he? 

  
Somewhere, his phone rings, like it has done for the last ten minutes. Or were it twenty minutes already? It doesn’t matter. He let’s it ring.

  
Dean Winchester is a mess.  
If John could see him now he would have yelled at him to get a grip, to stop being so pathetic, to start being a _real man/em >. Dean doesn’t think he's ever actually been a real man in his entire life. Thinks that Cas must have been mistaken to see something greater in him. Thinks that if Cas thinks that he is worth it then John might not have been right after all._

__

  
But that’s a dangerous thought. If he allows himself to loosen the boundaries in his mind then who knows what else might slip through. It’s easier to grab the next bottle of whiskey and not think at all for a couple of minutes, hours, days. How long has Cas been gone, now? How long, since his world has sprung from it's axis? If he drinks enough, maybe he won't remember. 

__

  
When he's too drunk and too exhausted to stay awake he falls asleep and dreams. The dreams take him back to that moment, again and again and again. More often than not Dean wakes up crying. 

__

  
Sam takes his bottle away, at one point. Dean can see that he is concerned, that he is barely hanging on better. He lost people, too, after all. Lost Eileen. And then there's Jack and he's too young to have to go through something like that, shouldn't have to loose even more people, shouldn’t have to witness Dean poisionig his liver. They’re the closest thing to parents that Jack still has. And it stings when he is reminded that Jack is more Cas' son than anyone else's but he promises himself – promises Cas – in this moment that he will try to do his best. Will try to live for them. He may not really have examples of actual good parenting that will not fuck you up forever and leaves you running from your emotions until it is too late but he will try. For Cas he will.

__

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__

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Later, they defeat God - or technically replace him with Jack in the world’s craziest rendition of “ they grow up so fast”. Later, Dean carves Cas' name into the wooden table in the bunker, next to his. Later, he and Sam will hit the road in the impala, for old times sake. Later, when the rush of having defeated God fianally ebbs, they are still lonely. 

__

__

__

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Later still, after Dean has disposited Sam with Bobby and Charlie and all the others, with Eileen who ended up there instead of the place in front of the bunker where she disappeared, Dean stops the motor somewhere in the near vicinity of Pontiac, Illinois. He could lie to himself and say that his destination was totally coincidental, that he had just done some idle driving. But as he looks up at the rickety constructure of an old barn that shouldn’t be standing anymore, he know that any attempt to do so would be futile. 

__

  
Dean lied to himself for such a long time - but now he doesn’t want to anymore, knows that he will never be able to do it as successfully as not too long before. But then Cas had to go and say something true, something real and well, maybe it’s time he tries that out for himself. So he steps out of the car and into the barn, where all those year ago he met Castiel, angel of the lord, for the first time. (Only that isn’t true, not really, but it is the first time that Dean can remember.)  
He thinks that this is a fitting place for it to end; to close the circle, in a way.

__

__

He hears him before he sees him, his eyes having to adjust themselves first to the dim light in the barn. „Dean,“ Cas says and then he steps into the light of the few candles scattered around and Dean's breath catches in his chest, his legs frozen on the spot for one, two unbearablely long moments before he gathers himself and in three long strides is at his side. 

__

  
„Cas,“ he says and it comes out more ragged than he thought it would, but it doesn’t matter because the next moment they are hugging. Dean clutches that trenchcoat on Cas' back in his hands, his eyes shut tight, his face buried in Cas’ shoulder. Cas has his hand at the nape of Dean’s neck, his fingers brushing though Dean’s hair and he whispers in that husky voice of his „Dean" and „I missed you" and _Dean loves him._

__

  
And because he is trying out this new truth thing he loosens the embrace to lean his forhead against Cas' and says „Next time, before you decide that you cannot have something, ask, okay? Because you can. Have it.“ He breaks away, only a little, so that he can look into Cas eyes. „Do you understand what I mean?“ 

__

  
It's not what Cas deserves, not what he wishes he could say, but it’s what he is able to, at this point in time. And because Cas always understood him, probably better that Dean understands himself, he places a hand on Dean’s cheek, smiles and says „Of course.“ 

__

  
Dean doesn’t kiss him then, but it’s only a matter of time before he will. For the first time in his life this thought doesn’t fill him with panic, but leaves him slightly excited. It’s a strange feeling after all those years of despair and it bubbles up into a laugh and Cas tilts his head at that, looks at him a bit confused but happy still and Dean has to laugh a bit more at that. „I'm just happy,“ he answers Cas’ unasked question and Cas’ lips stretch into a wide smile at that. 

__

  
„Oh, are you?,“ he asks, teasingly, because Cas always seems to know what Dean needs. „Why's that?“

__

  
„Oh you know, there’s this devastatingly handsome angel, that I need to pick up and bring home.“

__

  
„Well then I shouldn’t hold you up.“ There’s a sparkle in Cas‘ eyes and despite his words there’s still a hand on Dean’s arm from where it had fallen earlier. Dean takes it, uses it to slot them closer together.

__

  
„Mhh,“ is all he says and then a little while later, because they are now asking for what they want, because insinuating is not the same as saying it: „Come back with me?“   
„Yes Dean, of course. Of course I'll come back with you.“ 

__

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They leave the barn together, as it should be, and Dean drives them home. And for the first time he is not rushing, feels no need to. They have the rest of their suddenly far longer lives to figure it out, to figure them out. They can take their time, now. 

__

  
And Dean? Dean has died and fought and killed. He has been resurrected far too often to count. He is still a mess, has problems and issues that need time and work. But nonetheless, it is time for a different, a new part of his life. Beacause now he knows something that he didn’t dare to believe before. Because now, Dean Winchester is loved.

__

**Author's Note:**

> why is cas in that barn? idk, you may decide that for yourself
> 
> also there is straight up no dialoge for 2/3 of that fic, that's how you know it's by me 
> 
> i wrote this for myself, but if you liked it: i am glad and thank you for reading ♡
> 
> Edit: came back for some minor edits and damn, this did not age that well, did it?


End file.
